1. Food has replaced sex in my life … now I can’t even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion … suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess� on it … so I said, “Implants?�
5. I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas … I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
8. I don’t approve of political jokes … I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
9. The most precious thing we have is life … Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
10. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
11. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
13. I married my wife for her looks … but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
15. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
16. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
17. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
18. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
19. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
20. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.
21. Marriage is a wonderful institution, and it’s just right for people who like to live in institutions.
A Few Extras…..
Q: What Is The Similarity Between Girl And a cup of Tea?
A: Both Are Hot, Have Milk And Are Needed When Rising.
Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
Q: What is a gynaecolgist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.